Welcoming MACtion and Santa Claus to the Bottom 10

[Editor’s note: The MAC is back and playing midweek, some very big brands of the Big Ten are playing poorly and a chunk of the SEC isn’t playing at all. So what does that mean for the Bottom 10?]

Inspirational thought of the week:

I want to be known
I want to be known
I want to be on
I want to be known

Come on everybody knows
Everybody’s watching the news

— “Watching the News,” by Iggy Pop

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in an abandoned Jefferson-Pilot network TV studio, we still love live television. That’s why one week ago we couldn’t stop watching the various electronic news outlets as they mainlined espressos and managed to keep talking nonstop about election night, even before the polls had closed.

Well, Tuesday night was our time to shine. And by shine, we mean push our weekly Tuesday Bottom 10 deadline way past our editors’ levels of both comfort and patience. But we also weren’t going to shortchange the American public by writing some sort of predictive, presumptive, purportless rankings when there were not one, not two, but three (!) MACtion games scheduled for that very night!

We sent our fearless Bottom 10 JortsCenter field reporters into the field to cover the field who were playing on fields to determine the field for this week’s rankings, including the games that were taking place far afield from where we field, er, I mean filled out our Bottom 10 ballots.

With apologies to John King, Brit Hume, George Stephanopoulos and Steve Harvey, here’s this week’s Bottom 10.

1. ULM (pronounced “uhlm”) 0-8

Just as we were going live on the air, JortsCenter received word from our breaking news desk that the Warhawks’ previously scheduled follow-up to last week’s 52-34 loss at Georgia State Not Southern, a trip to Arkansas State, had been postponed. When we thanked the person manning the breaking news desk for the ULM news, she shouted back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What I said was, ‘Ulm, I think the news desk is breaking.'”

2. Kansas Nayhawks (0-7)

KU jumps/falls from fourth to second after being edged by Oklahoma 62-9. For more, we throw it to Lawrence Kansish, live from Lawrence, Kansas.

“Thanks, Ryan. We talked to several Nayhawks about their plans during the upcoming bye week and learned that most of the team was confused and actually thought that last weekend was the bye week, but it turned out they had a game against Oklahoma. Back to you.”

3. Yew-tah State (0-3)

More news to report, this time out of Logan, Utah, where head coach Gary Andersen has been dismissed after a winless start to the second season of his second stint at Utah State. We go live to reporter Johnny Utah, standing by outside of Andersen’s home.

“Ryan, we ambushed Andersen out of his home here in Logan and asked him about his dismissal. He didn’t answer our questions and drove away. But we did notice the back of his truck had partially torn-off bumper stickers from Wisconsin, Oregon State and Utah State and his license plate read ‘OPT OUT.’ Back to you.”

4. Akron-monious (0-2)

The defending champions are always in the Bottom 10 conversation and made news on Tuesday evening, in action on the road against Ohio. The Zips were tough early but lost to the Bobcats for the 12th time in 13 years. We go live to reporter LeRon James.

LeRon, I understand you’re an Akron native, so I have to ask, are you related to LeBron James?

“Ryan, I will answer that in a minute, but I just realized I am in the wrong place. You said defending champions in the Bottom conversation who were making news on Tuesday evening, so I am in Baton Rouge. My bad. Back to you.”

5. Santa Claus

For more on this story, we are joined by Buddy the Elf, live from inside Santa’s workshop. Buddy?

“Good evening, Ryan, temperatures are rising here at the North Pole and for once it has nothing to do with global warming. While St. Nick has always been willing to work his very busy Dec. 24 gift delivery schedule around the occasional Hawai’i or Bahama Bowl, sources tell us he is none too pleased with the thought of possibly missing out on an entire slate of conference championship games that were rescheduled because of COVID-19. We asked to speak to him directly but were told by a spokes-elf that Claus was unavailable for comment because he was in Storrs, Connecticut, stuffing Randy Edsall’s stocking full of coal. Back to you.”

6. UMess (0-2)

We now send it out to Amherst, where the Minutemen just played the second of their scheduled three games, losing 51-10 to Marshall. Reporter John Parker is standing by outside McGuirk Stadium. John?

“Yes, Ryan, the Minutemen are in great spirits tonight despite their 0-2 record, a combined losing score of 92-10 and the prospect of their third and final game being against Liberty, who are undefeated and ranked No. 22 in the nation? Why such great spirits? Santa Claus has asked them to meet him in Storrs and help stuff that coal into Randy Edsall’s stocking. Back to you.”

7. unLv (0-3)

The Fightin’ Tarks held their second-ever home game at the brand-new home of the Las Vegas Raiders, losing 40-27 to Fresno State. Let’s go live to Vegas bureau reporter Joey Knuckles for the latest … Joey? Um … Joey? Sorry … we seem to be having some technical difficulties. Joey Knuckles, are you there? Hang on … OK, the control room is telling me that Joey isn’t there. He got sucked up into the Roomba that is Allegiant Stadium.

8. Boiling Green (0-2)

Akron wasn’t the only Bottom 10 contender in action Tuesday night. The Falcons hung on early against State of Kent but lost the handle in the second quarter to set up a big loss. For more on this developing story we’re joined by reporter Poyt Derry, standing outside Doyt Perry Stadium.

“Good evening, Ryan. I wasn’t able to join Boiling Green’s postgame press conference on Zoom because I couldn’t remember the unlock code for my phone. But I did talk to a hometown fan as she stood in the bed of her pickup truck trying to peek into the stadium. When Kent State scored 28 points in the second quarter, the fan in her BGSU Falcons attire looked down at me and said to me, ‘Well, at least we aren’t the Atlanta Falcons.’ Back to you.”

9. Van-duh-built (0-5)

Vandy lost to then-one-win Mississippi State in Starkville 24-17. For reaction to the ongoing struggles of the Commode Doors, let’s check in with Darlene Parton live from Music City. Darlene?

“Hi, y’all. There’s a lot of controversy goin’ on down here. That game against State was the first All-SEC Bottom 10 Pillow Fight of the Week anyone ’round here has ever heard of. Now, Vanderbilt is claiming that Mike Leach filled his team’s pillows with cowbells. Well, hell’s bells, y’all, that has these Dores ringing mad and wanting to wring someone’s neck after getting their bells rung. See? I even have this bell that I will ring right now so that you have to show me on camera …”

Darlene, that’s OK. We’re out of time.

“OK, ring-a-ding-ding. Back to y’all.”

10. No-braska (0-2)

The Cornhuskers lost to Northwestern for the fifth time in seven years. Let’s go live to reporter Lincoln Rosenblatt, who is standing by outside Memorial Stadium. Lincoln?

“Ryan, it’s a bizarre scene here. From our vantage point across Stadium Drive, we are watching a group of Huskers supporters who have been joined by fans from Tennessee, Michigan and Penn State. They appear to be unloading Doc Brown’s DeLorean off the back of a flatbed truck that just arrived from UCLA.”

Lincoln, has anyone there told you what this group might be up to?

“I am being told they are trying to go back to the 1990s. Back to the Future, er, I mean, back to you.”

Waiting List: Sir, accused Orange (1-7), Texas State Armadillos (1-8), Whew Mexico (0-2), Southern Missed (2-5), EC-Yew (1-4), Tempered Owls (1-4), EC-Yew (1-5), Bail-or (1-4), Minute Rice (1-1), Charlotte 2-and-3’ers, Duke Bedevileds (2-6), Ill-ugh-noise (0-3), Pin State (0-3), FI(not A)U (0-3), US(not C) F (1-6), COVID-19.